*Comments are now CLOSED! Winner has been chosen and will be announced on Monday!*
We went to a local festival on Monday. It was your usual festival: vendor booths, high school dance troupes, carnival rides, funnel cakes, and me, SWEATING THROUGH MY PANTS.
OMG you guys, I mean, yes, it was hot out, and there was no breeze and it was muggy and humid and people were packed into the carnival area where Asher wanted to ride some rides, but there is really no excuse for the fact that the back of my pants looked like I'd sat directly in a puddle. I am not talking about a little spot or two. I am talking a wet spot roughly the size of, oh, say, a TOILET SEAT. When I started suspecting what was happening, I asked Dave to take a look and he busted out laughing and said something very supportive like, “DUDE, that is REALLY BAD,” and then I couldn't stop looking at the backs of OTHER people's pants to see if anyone else was maybe having a similar situation but it turns out that NO ONE WAS, not even people who were wearing jeans; not even people who were GROSSLY OVERWEIGHT. Just me! I was the only one wandering around with overzealous under-butt sweat glands! I suppose it didn't help that I was wearing khaki-colored capri pants made out of this ridiculously thin material that shows even the tiniest hint of moisture. But that fact was only comforting to ME, the only person who knew that because she had access to the tag in the back of the pants. It's not like I could walk up to people and explain that this sweat situation looked especially bad because of the cotton/polyester blend I was wearing and not because I'm a sweaty sweaty HOG of a person. I swear! I'm JUST LIKE YOU! I don't usually DO THIS!
As we were leaving, we walked by a news crew. I kept on walking with my head down, certain they were filming my backside so they could air it later during a story about the oppressive heat with the caption, “Local Woman Sweats Aggressively Through Pants.” And then I turned around to find my husband attempting to photograph my unfortunate situation with his iPhone and I was NOT AMUSED.
I had to get that out of the way before I get to the next thing on my list, which is that I have acquired a revolutionary product that I cannot believe never existed before now and simultaneously, that I cannot believe even exists at all. And what YOU will not believe is that my brother's mother-in-law bought it for me. I do not know if he is comfortable with that, but I don't plan on asking.
It's a device to help women pee standing up.
STANDING UP. I know! FRIGGIN INGENIOUS. Although, the product seems to have been designed with outdoorsy people in mind. Chances are slim that I'm going to need to pee while paddling a canoe or something. (I mean, if I am on a canoe? It is SUMMER and I can get in the water to pee. Who canoes in cold weather? Besides OUTDOORSY PEOPLE?) (Actually, that's not even true, because it takes me an hour to loosen up enough to pee in the ocean, so I cannot imagine the Performance Pressure I would be under if I had to climb out of a canoe and pee while possibly holding up the rest of the canoe party.) (Would only canoe as part of a canoe party; canoeing alone just sounds like a good way to get exhausted and lost.) But I have been in many many bathrooms where a product like this would have come in very useful! And not to mention certain OTHER COUNTRIES, specifically the ones where the norm is squatting over a big dirty hole in the ground. SHUDDER.
What does make me laugh is the web site. “The feminine urination device that lets you go anywhere.” And there's a photo of a girl taking a picture of the Taj Mahal and I'm inappropriately picturing her realizing she needs to go while she's on a guided tour and whipping out her pink peeing aid and letting it go up against a wall. And then she sighs happily. There should be a subtitle: “The female urination device that lets you go anywhere. NOT THAT WE ARE ADVOCATING THAT. For Pete's sake, do not urinate on the Taj Mahal.”
Anyway, so let's have a contest! I will send the winner a THREE-PACK of Go Girl disposable urination devices, to pee with or just to freak out your friends and family. All you have to do is leave a comment telling me the weirdest place you've ever peed or HAD to pee (the entire story is welcome, if you feel led). (I would have a hard time choosing between that dumpster in Buckhead and a train in Switzerland, where the bathroom was just a little room with a toilet that opened up DIRECTLY ONTO THE TRAIN TRACKS. All that fresh mountain air, whooshing right up onto my naked behind.) I'll randomly choose a winner on Saturday.


