Photographic evidence

So. The economy, huh? It's tanking or floundering or something, and dragging the housing market along with it, and robbing me of any possibility of moving our growing family out of our townhouse and into something bigger until the year 2099. It is entirely possible that I am going to have to move out of this three-bedroom townhouse and straight into assisted living or something similar. “Something similar” also possibly being A GRAVEYARD.

Anyway, I've been moving junk around the house to make it feel like I'm doing something about this depressing turn of events (decluttering one room only to clutter up another, I KNOW) but unlike years before, I now have two small children. Two small children always need SOMETHING (more juice, help finding a puzzle piece, poop wiped off their shoulders) so I have four-minute increments during the day to do this useless shuffling I feel compelled to do. That means I leave a lot of piles around the house, piles that I can't do anything with for DAYS ON END. Which is all kinds of annoying when the pile contains old shower curtains or donations for Goodwill or table runners for rectangular tables that we NO LONGER OWN, but is actually kind of fun when the pile contains photos from many years past that I haven't looked at in ages.

Like this one!

So here I am, in the summer of 2000, manning the punch fountain at a friend's wedding. It's nice, isn't it? The idea of a punch fountain? My job was to fill up cups and hand them to guests to prevent a punch fountain line from forming and clogging up the dance floor (I think). I don't know why I'm holding a Bud Light in a can, or wearing a less-than-supportive bra. Anyway, the job was super easy. No one had to explain to me what I had to do. I didn't even SPILL anything! And then maybe two hours into the reception, this woman comes over to me and says, “Excuse me, is this the alcoholic or non-alcoholic punch?” And I had NO IDEA, because wasn't all the punch THE SAME? “Um, I can go check? I guess?” I said. And the lady says, “Would you mind? Because my seven-year-old has had seven cups already.”

And you know where this is going. It turns out I was happily serving champagne punch to minors. EXTREMELY MINOR minors. Perhaps I was saving that Bud Light for an 11-year-old!

And this one!

This is what we found underneath our refrigerator the day we moved into our house. 

A few hours before this photo was taken, we'd walked into the house for the final walk through and found the soon-to-be previous homeowner scraping puddles of dried food goo out of the refrigerator with a putty knife. (YES THEY WERE DIRTY PEOPLE.) (They also reportedly had a baby on the stairs when they couldn't get to the hospital in time, but that's a different story.) Right after closing we came back and started disinfecting (not cleaning; DISINFECTING) and that involved pulling the dirty refrigerator off the dirty wall so we could clean the dirty floor underneath it. But first we had to remove ALL THIS CRAP. I mean, honestly, that is a lot of dirt/magnets/papers/pens/coffee cup lids/small toys to find underneath a refrigerator, is it not?

And then there's this:

Here I am at my office Christmas party in 2003. Try to tell me you wouldn't want me working for you. I KNOW HOW TO PARTY, PEOPLE. Especially at corporate functions. In front of 400 people. Even without an open bar. (I KNOW.)

In August, 2001, I got in my Very First Car Accident. The results of the car ($8000 in damage is not considered totaled!):

The results of ME:

Notice most of the burns are on the left side of my face. This is because I was turning left across traffic, so my face was turned that way when someone plowed into me. And then I got out of the car, and it was dark, and it was kind of rainy, and I remember that I was crying because I was so scared, and I could feel wetness on my face and I kept asking the cop if that was water or blood that I felt, and he gave me some Wendy's napkins from his cruiser to blot my forehead (it was water). And it happened in Atlanta, and I was only in Atlanta to pick up a friend from the airport. And she and I were supposed to drive an hour and a half back to Auburn for me to take my ONE LAST FINAL EXAM before I graduated from college and then we were driving six hours to New Orleans for a cuh-raaazy weekend.

But what REALLY happened was that I had to send another friend to the airport to pick her up and they'd NEVER EVEN SEEN EACH OTHER BEFORE (I gave helpful details: “She's blonde! And short!”) and then my mom had to fly down the next day and rent a van to move all my stuff home from college and I missed the exam altogether and my poor friend spent her weekend driving 12 hours in a rented Astrovan with me and my mom instead of hanging out on Bourbon Street and shopping in the French Quarter AND MEETING BOYS. Dear Katie, I AM STILL SO SORRY THIS HAPPENED.

And I should shut up about this picture but can I tell you that when my mom arrived the next morning from the airport in a cab, I was outside a friend's apartment waiting for her and when the cab stopped, the cab driver looked at me and my scabby bloody face AND GOT OUT AND HUGGED ME. It was beyond weird. The End.

OK, and here's the last one for today:

So it's the year 2002 and that's my friend Angie, and that's a hotel room in Destin, Florida that was RIGHT ON THE BEACH and also only $100 a night or something. (It has since been torn down.) We checked out of the hotel on a Sunday morning at 11, and the people who ran it were so nice and said that we could hang out on the beachside deck in front of our room for as long as we liked. And just as we got settled into our chairs, the cleaning service went into our room and not ten minutes later, some cleaning dude comes out and stands in front of us, dangling a pair of PANTIES from his hand and says, “Are these yours?”

I mean HONESTLY. And he wasn't trying to touch as little of the underwear as he could, either. He was literally CLENCHING IT IN HIS SWEATY FIST.

That's when we decided it was time to leave.

Comments

[Laura]

Thanks for posting today! I've been missing you. Love the pics and the stories. You are one of those people that weird stuff just _happens_ to, aren't you? I can relate. Anyway, the first thing I noticed in the picture of you with the burn marks was that you had still done your makeup (mascara, at least). Just because you had a terrifying collision is no reason not to LOOK YOUR BEST! You clearly have your priorities straight.

[Elsha]

Great pictures & stories. We are also doing the "move stuff around to make things feel new" business. Does HGTV have a show about that? Because they should.

[Summer]

Wondering.. Do you still have you eyebrow pierced!?!

[annie]

Good heavens, Asher looks just like you. I don't know if he's got your dancing skills, but I can sure see his face in yours in that photo!

[Manda]

Eyebrow ring!! Very Fergalicious. HEE!

[Jacki]

Love the old photos! I'm not sure I have any I'm brave enough to post!

[Marin]

Oh, memories. Also, eyebrow ring?

[Amanda]

God, I just laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. And frankly, that's exactly what I needed today (well...not to pee my pants but to laugh. Hard.) So thanks for that.

[Swistle]

OMG are you the cutest?

I'll bet the cabbie thought you were leaving an abusive relationship.

[Megan]

I'm with Annie on the dancing photo!

And that last story is GROSS. I would have left them there, because no thanks.

[auntie]

so...were the panties yours or not??

[bessie.viola]

That is a totally Harry Potter-looking burn on your forehead. I'm a little jealous for that fact.

I totally would have run from the panty-clencher, too.

[Cathryn]

Dude. EYEBROW PIERCED??

You get cooler by the day.

[chirky]

Oh, your stories. You kill me.

[nonsoccermom]

Ha ha, those are some great stories (and photos)!! Except for the one about the panties. That one is pretty gross.

[Julie]

I would like to know who the picture is of, on the lamp in the hotel room? And my next questions is, was it something you guys put there, or was it part of the room decor?

[Maureen]

So let's see--you were drinking out of a can of Bud Light while serving alcoholic punch to middle schoolers.

Methinks a few Maury Povich guests have similar stories...

[erin]

It makes me wonder what is under my refrigerator....

[Jenn]

Ew to the fridge! Our previous owners claimed they hired cleaning people, but I think she threw $10 at her teenagers and told them to clean up. They weren't THAT dirty (but ew, their cats ate off the kitchen counter--GROSS!!) but it was still pretty icky moving in and cleaning the crap out of that place. And to think, I'd left our previous house in white glove, eat off the toilet shape with a welcome basket for the new owners!

I was at a baby shower a couple weeks ago and I had three giant Solo cups of the delicious punch before someone mentioned the alcohol in it--um, hi! I was 31 weeks pregnant at the time! And there were little girls at the shower! Who does that at a BABY SHOWER?? Ugh! I had to kind of blow it off but my hubby was PISSED when I got home and told him about it.

I've spent some time in Destin, FL...Spring Break '97 I believe. It's all a bit hazy, as I spent pretty much that entire "vacation" huddled on a hide-a-bed with a 103 fever...and hanging out at the closest military hospital. Not fun.

[kirida]

Is that Antonio Sabato Jr. on your lamp?
I love this post so much I have to do one, too.

[Pam]

So you went to Auburn? War Eagle then.

[Shannon]

I live in a small 3-bedroom townhouse too, and I also am married with 2 small children (4 and 2), and I, too, am likely to be in this house until I am old and gray, given the economy and the housing market. You are not alone! :)

[emmysuh]

I love this entry. Love, love, love.

I want to elaborate on that, but it would mainly involve me copying and pasting parts of your entry and saying, "SEE? THIS IS REALLY FUNNY."

But I'm sorry about the wreck and the house and the lack of New Orleans vacation and panty grabbers.

[Katie]

Ok, about the manning of the punch fountain at the wedding - did you get paid? And more importantly ... did you spike it? :D

[Chantal]

I am entirely too distracted by how awesome your outfit is in that Christmas party photo!