Incidentally, I think I'm the only one of us who actually CAUSED a car accident that resulted in injury.*

I am a totally different person in the middle of the night than I am during the day. Sleep deprivation (at least for me) is sort of weird that way – no matter how tired I am, everything seems better in the light of day, and anyway, starting at 9am, Target is open and ready to hold and comfort me with it's orange clearance tags and new summer shoe collection. On the other hand, if I find myself absolutely exhausted in the middle of the night, then SOMEONE IS GOING TO PAY. (It is going to be Dave.) (Sorry for the spoiler.)

Friday night really sucked. Asher and Lucy were both up for an hour around 2am. Dave got up with Asher, and I changed and fed Lucy, and we were both back to bed around 3am. But while Asher stayed asleep, Lucy was up three or four more times before 6am, and finally I just kicked Dave hard enough that he got up and attempted to deal with her so I could get a little more rest. Except she kept screaming, and screaming isn't restful when you can hear it even with the monitor turned down. And I could hear Dave getting frustrated, and I knew he was afraid the screaming was going to wake up Asher, and in his frustration, he slammed Lucy's door closed. (Later he explained that he wasn't so much frustrated with HER, but more with the fact that he was tired, and had a killer headache, and hadn't gotten much sleep.) (Which: OMG THAT IS MY EVERYDAY LIFE, JERKWAD.)

Except I interpreted the slamming of the door as frustration with Lucy, and was angry that the noise might have woken Asher, and suddenly I found myself throwing off the covers and barreling into her room where she's lying in her crib screaming at the top of her lungs, and I'm all squinty-eyed and doing that screamy whisper thing, announcing that I WOULD TAKE THE BABY, GIVE HER TO ME, YOU ARE TOO ANGRY TO DEAL WITH THIS and Dave is whisper-screaming I AM FINE, I CAN HANDLE THIS, GO BACK TO BED EMILY AND LEAVE ME ALONE and would you believe we actually found ourselves having a SHOVING MATCH at 6am in front of our daughter's crib about who would be the privileged one to find a way to end the screaming? When, in reality, neither of us really wanted to be there at all?

See? RIDICULOUS. Sleep deprivation is of the DEVIL.

The good thing about our marriage is that we were both cracking up about it by the time Saturday night rolled around. It still makes me smile a little, remembering how we were trying to shove each other out of the way and deflect each other's flailing arms at the same time and how it eventually evolved into some kind of girly catfight where we were just slapping at each other like high schoolers fighting over some pockmarked, overly-gelled, lacrosse-playing junior with his very own HONDA CIVIC.

And now I'm going to tell you about this other thing my husband does, because your husband does it too I JUST KNOW IT and I need you to tell me I'm right. (I already KNOW I'm right, but it helps my case when some of you can back me up.)

So we're driving on Sunday morning, and there is a modest amount of traffic, and suddenly Dave “applies” the brakes in a firmer manner than usual. I am using this “apply” verbage because Dave insists he did not “slam” on the brakes. (My view is that he doesn't think he slammed on the brakes because he's the one who applied the pressure, so he knew it was coming. To ME, an unsuspecting passenger, it sure seemed like he slammed on the brakes, enough so that I grabbed for the armrest, anticipating impact.) I IMMEDIATELY looked in the side mirror and saw a black SUV following closer than probably was polite. I yell at Dave for this, because in my opinion, slamming on the brakes to get someone to back off your tail is NEVER A GOOD IDEA, mostly because they're probably not paying attention anyway, and could run right into us and also OH YES, WE HAVE TWO CHILDREN IN THE CAR, THIS ISN'T JUST ABOUT YOU AND YOUR (possibly justifiable, but completely unsafe) ROAD RAGE ANYMORE. Dave immediately gives me some crap about how he thought someone in the next lane looked like they were going to come over into our lane, which I also knew was a Big Fat Load, because never in his life has this man SLOWED DOWN to let someone over; that might show WEAKNESS! His natural inclination is to speed up and lay on his horn and then give them one of those WTF? looks through the window.

We fought about this. I am of the mindset that teaching Driving Lessons to people we don't even know through anger and hostility while possibly risking the lives of our children is a Big Fat No. I trust Dave's driving. I don't trust the person we're teaching the lesson to, though. I mean, what if they're just following too close because they're talking on the phone and aren't paying attention? (Quite likely.) Or following too close because they lost a contact lens and are just trying to get to the ophthalmologist's office with poor depth perception? (Maybe unlikely, but definitely possible.) Or maybe they're following too close because their beloved aunt just died and they're weeping behind the wheel and their eyes are blurry and clouded with tears and maybe it's just me, but if you're mourning a great and tragic loss, YOU DON'T NEED A DRIVING LESSON FROM DAVE. My view is: Why risk being rear-ended? Suck it up and MERGE INTO THE OTHER LANE. Avoid confrontation and save your children's lives. AND YOUR WIFE'S, TOO, even if she is of the variety of wife who slap-fights you next to your infant daughter's crib in the wee small hours of the morning. Dave, however, feels justified in his brake-slamming. Ahem, I mean, the way he applies pressure FIRMLY but SUDDENLY.

*I'll have to scan and post the pictures of me post-car accident. The airbag? IT TOOK ALL THE SKIN OFF MY FACE. And I had a really interestingly shaped scab on my forehead, which earned me the nickname Gorbechev. (How flattering.)

Comments

[Suzanne]

My husband likes to point out that he's never been in an accident. I like to point out that no one's ever followed me to a mall parking lot to key my car because I was driving like an asshole and wouldn't let them merge. So yeah, we're all married to the same guy. Well sort of, even with kicking he remains firmly in place in bed without hearing the crying child. He will however ask the next day "what was all that crying about?"

[Swistle]

OMG YES MY HUSBAND TOTALLY DOES THIS TOO. He also zooms up VERY CLOSE behind someone who DARES to enter the road AHEAD OF HIM, to teach them that everyone in the world should merge AFTER our car rather than BEFORE it. Then he says, "Not in a hurry NOW, are you?" and I feel like holding up a little sign to the other driver that says, "Listen. I think you're completely right in this situation. The maniac behind the wheel is being a jerk, I totally agree. What I suggest is that you pretend you were going to that restaurant on the right, then let us pass, then after 30 seconds or so pull back into traffic. That way this will STOP. Because I CANNOT SAVE YOU FROM THIS IDIOT."

[Joanna]

Ah, the scream whisper. Yes. I also enjoy those moments when I go in to relieve my husband from baby duty and he fake-protests so that when I agree to go back to bed he can BE MAD AT ME for not just taking the baby from him wordlessly. 3 a.m. is no time for passive aggression, I say.

[TUWABVB]

I'm sorry, but the vision of you both whisper-fighting in the wee hours of the morning made me spit out a sip of wine! Too funny!

And if it makes you feel any better, my husband feels that it's his personal duty to let each and every bad driver in the state of Texas let them know that they are such by either (1) yelling at them in the car (apparently bad drivers can hear through two sets of closed windows) or (2) flipping them the bird. I've repeatedly told him that he WILL get shot one day. Road rage combined with the concealed weapon doesn't make a good combo.

[Michele]

Tuwabvb:

Your husband does that, too?!? We're in TX as well, but my problem is my husband is from NYC, so he's used to the whole honking, finger flashing, cursing thing while I'm just sitting there praying that we will get home in one piece.

Emily:
You're not alone in the whisper screaming match. We did that constantly when our son was at his worst from colic and a milk protein intolerance. We never got to the middle school, flippy hand fighting, but I think it got pretty close.

[Ashley]

Yeh driving lessons to unsuspecting strangers may end badly. You know some folks have guns in their cars, right? Anyhow, I mostly keep my eyes closed when my husband drives and refuse to look at the road. It's something I've learned when other people drive just to keep me from freaking out. Funny, though...how even *I* hate driving. So, I just talk and look at something else...like, oooh pretty flowers...

[slynnro]

I'm kind of a Dave.

[Shannon]

I'm 100% positive if you and Dave were exchanged for myself and my husband, no one in our lives would recognize the difference. You and I and Dave and my hubby are that much alike. It's eery. We've had those EXACT same fights.

[Blythe]

When our son was small and screamy in the night, I felt like Dr. Jekyll/Mrs. Hyde. During the day we were all sunshine and rainbows and wonderful loving new parents and no, let ME hold him, no let ME. At night, there was whisper screaming and weeping and OMG CAN'T YOU MAKE HIM STOP CRYING I CAN'T MAKE HIM STOP.

Also, we have had some road ranges incidents. One particular one in the IKEA parking lot was especially nice. What's that about? When a perfectly reasonable and non-confrontational person decides to stop the car and GLARE at the person who just stole a parking space?

[-R-]

The first 2 months of my baby's life, I would be up at night feeding the baby, and I would be so full of rage that my husband was sleeping. In my head, I would list all the things he had ever done wrong and just seethe. Not sure when I stopped doing it, but I am better now, despite the fact that my baby still gets up at least 5 or 6 times EVERY NIGHT.

Also, I am with you on the road rage thing.

[Kate]

My guy does the same thing, and it drives me crazy as a passenger since 1) he has at times been the one following all up in someone's ass and it makes him FURIOUS when they do the brake thing to him and 2) there's a lot of crazies out there and who knows what's going to set them off. However, since I'm the one who likes to just take her foot off of the gas when someone is tailgating me, resulting in a gradual slowdown without the tell tale flash of brake lights to tip them off, I really have no moral high ground to stand on.

[Courtney E]

I have never left a comment but I've read your blog for quite some time now and had to say something:

My husband DOES THE SAME THING. THE EXACT SAME THING. AND IT DRIVES ME INSANE CRAZY.

And we have yell/whispered while the baby screamed. It sucks.

[Parker_B]

I remember my dad doing the same thing Dave does. Back then, I was the kid in the back seat, so when he would slam on the brakes, I would automatically brace for impact. Ahh, good times. Thanks, Dad.

I, on the other hand, am much more passive-aggressive. When someone is riding my ass, I ease off the gas and slow to about 15 miles an hour, giving a cheerful wave as the person zooms around me and flips me off.

[Maren]

I feel you with the airbag burns. I had a terrible accident 2 days before our wedding, and when the emt came up to me and asked if my face was burned, my eyes must have popped out of my head because she immediately promised me that they *probably* would have showed up by then (15 minutes post accident). I ended up with a bit of a burn on my nose, a seatbelt bruise that was easily covered up on my sternum, and wicked lap belt bruises, plus some other scrapes and a whole lot of PTSD.

[Teresa]

When our daughter was just 4 weeks old, I was driving us home from the mall. A car cut us off, but not so close as to cause an accident. Well, my husband felt it was his duty to flip this guy the bird from the passenger seat and yell at him, enough that said guy cut out of his lane at the red light to follow us onto the highway and almost clip the back end of my car. I don't believe I have ever yelled at my husband like I did that afternoon and pretty much told him the next time he put my daughter's life in danger like that, and mine, it would be his last!!! It is just completely unacceptable and selfish!

[Hairy Farmer Family]

Oh, how this post speaks to me!

[Lisa M]

I have had BOTH of those fights with my husband!

Well, except, we didn't do the screamy whisper, it was full out yelling...in a townhouse...and yes we woke up the older kid and totally blamed the baby. I still get twitchy thinking about babies under 3 months and sleep.

[Stacey]

O.M.G. This is so my husband!! And I'm just like you considering the fact that the horrible driver behind us, beside us or in front of us might be dealing with a tragedy. The weakness comment almost made me pee my pants because it's so true!! And I'm I agree that it's the other person I don't trust because in this day and age they could pull out a gun and shoot our family. NOT COOL!

[-R-]

I forgot to add last night that after my nights of rage, I would laugh at my craziness in the morning. I don't know why nights make us so crazy!

[Maureen]

"like high schoolers fighting over some pockmarked, overly-gelled, lacrosse-playing junior with his very own HONDA CIVIC."

That's hilarious!

[Katie]

my husband does that too! I yell at him every time he does it while WE are in the car..you think he would stop just so he didnt have to get yelled at!

[Sparkling Cipher]

Indeed, my husband does this, though usually I do get a warning in the form of, "OMG, if this guy doesn't back off, I'm going to see a dog run into the street in front of - DOG!" and then he brakes.

He is also fond of speeding up when someone who has been following too closely tries to pass, which seems incredibly dumb to me. He's upset that the guy is tailgating, but when the guy tries to pass so that he will no longer be behind a slower vehicle, my husband makes him stay there. So that he can continue to be angry and have his space invaded rather than get a dangerous driver away from his family? Dur.

[Amy]

Just change the name Dave to Mike and we have the same husband! Mike thinks it's his job to teach other drivers the rules. I keep telling him you can't teach the unwilling. And that we're going to get shot one day. And he's not the only one in the car...

[Lola]

Ummm. I'm the brake pressure applier because I cannot stand the tailgating...I want to scream "get off my tip!!!" Only I don't have a tip...because I'm a girl. Sorry, I have to back Dave on this one. Totally necessary. :o)

[hydrogeek]

My husband doesn't drive, but he does..uhhh...."loudly verbally encourage" me to do all these things. And when he's on the passenger side, the bird is seen much more clearly by people if we pass them. I'm in Texas too, so if my butthead passenger husband flips any of you above posters the bird, well, just imagine that I have a sign equivalent to Swistle's.