House Hunters, Part Two

So out of all the posts I've ever written, I do believe the comments on that last post are my absolute, all-time favorites. You guys were funny and witty and agreeable and you didn't even HAVE TO BE, because you had me at Man Cave.

I went through the comments and made a list of Ten Things We Would Like The People on House Hunters to Shut Up About Already (Except Not Really, Because Then What Would We Yell About). Out of the seventy-something comments, can I just tell you there was not ONE out of ALL OF THEM that I didn't either completely agree with or had already thought at length about? It's like you READ MY MIND. (And everybody else's! We all hate the idiots on House Hunters!)

Without further ado:

Ten Things We Would Like The People on House Hunters to Shut Up About Already (Except Not Really, Because Then What Would We Yell About)

1. Paint. It costs $25 a gallon at Home Depot and does not require anything fancy. Just your arms, and this thing called a paintbrush. For those not in the know, it looks like a stick with evenly trimmed hair on the end. I'm sorry you think hunter green is a terrible color for a bathroom, and granted, while you're absolutely correct, IT SHOULDN'T MAKE OR BREAK YOUR DECISION. Also, the phrase, “I guess we could paint it...” makes me wonder why you would be so apathetic to live in a house you don't actually love living in. And if the only reason you do that is because you're lazy... well. I don't think we can be friends.

2. The Man Cave. I think the thing that bothers me the most about the Man Cave is the idea that the rest of the house is Woman's Territory. Like maybe we're going to go around gluing doilies on every available surface and trimming everything in lace and painting everything Pepto-Bismol pink and OMG, the men JUST CAN'T STAND IT ANY LONGER! Except, HELLO, last time I checked, men and women used the rest of their houses pretty equally. I mean, yes, I get screwed in the Laundry and Cooking department, but that doesn't mean that Dave isn't in the kitchen just as often as I am. He might not be preparing gourmet meals like I would, but that doesn't mean he can't go in there and get cookie crumbs all over the counter and drink out of the milk carton. So in other words, it belongs to both of us.

3. The Closet Jokes. Every. Single. Episode. Stupid woman looks inside the enormous walk-in closet and says, “I don't know where you'll put your stuff, sweetie!” Oooh! I know! MAYBE IN HIS MAN CAVE.

4. Master Bedrooms. Exactly how much space do you need for a bed and a dresser? I agreed with all of you who were all, “WHA?” when people wanted space for sitting rooms and fireplaces and a nice spot for the plasma TV. Did you want a bedroom? Or did you want ANOTHER LIVING ROOM, OMG, LOOK DOWNSTAIRS where there IS ONE ALREADY.

5. Side-By-Side Sinks. It irritates me most when the bathroom is about 3,000 square feet and the counter is 40 feet long with a mirror the same size and yet, HOW WILL WE MANAGE IF TWO PEOPLE NEED WATER AT THE SAME TIME? If Dave is brushing his teeth, and I need to brush my teeth, I guarantee the longest amount of time I will have to wait is about two minutes. I ask you, what cannot possibly wait TWO ENTIRE MINUTES? I mean, if you're THAT desperate, stick your toothbrush into your marble, sit-down, 85-adjustable-showerhead, glass-walled shower. OR YOUR GARDEN TUB.

6. Comments on the Owners' Furniture. Does this bother anyone else who watches Designed to Sell? Now don't laugh, but it honestly didn't occur to me until last week that all those prospective buyers who are attending the Open House on that show are mic'd and therefore, have clearly signed some sort of waiver that allows their likenesses to be shown on television. I don't know why it didn't occur to me before, maybe because I'm an IDIOT. But on that show (I'm sorry to get away from our general hatred of House Hunters, but bear with me for a moment) the people are ALWAYS commenting about how nice the kitchen table is or how beautiful the artwork is, and it finally all came together for me: they want to draw attention to the projects the designers did for the show, even if they're not staying with the house. OHHHHHHHHHH. Here I was thinking, YOU IDIOTS, why do you even care about the kitchen table when the kitchen table clearly DOES NOT CONVEY? And really, I should be thinking EMILY, YOU IDIOT, they have likely been COERCED to say that, because they devoted six whole minutes of the episode to how inexpensive it was to make such a classy-looking kitchen table. Anyway, the people who do this on House Hunters are just morons. The end.

7. Entertaining. Hee! We all seemed to agree on this one: Everyone likes throwing parties. FEW PEOPLE THROW ALL THAT MANY. (Amanda, you are excluded from this.) Also, I do love when the homeowners throw a party that is edited into the end of the show and the people attending are their parents and their realtor. Yes, excellent party. Good thing you got the granite!

8. Appliances. Yes, the stainless steel thing, but also the people who are SO DISAPPOINTED when the house doesn't come with appliances. Honestly, when you're buying a million-dollar house? You can probably afford to get some appliances. AND A PORSCHE.

9. Soaker Tubs and The Men Who Try Them. Right after college, Dave had this male roommate who was a) very hairy, and b) very fond of taking candlelit baths while drinking white zinfandel. The amount of fun that was made of this person made me absolutely certain that men just don't bathe. (I already knew they probably were a little risky if they bathed with wine and candles. Alone.) Am I wrong about this? I personally don't know a lot of men who take joy in soaking away a hard day. So it weirds me out when the men (it's ALWAYS THE MEN) are trying out the soaking tubs to see if they fit. Also, currently? That is SOMEONE ELSE'S TUB, and not only did you just get into it, you got into it WITH YOUR SHOES ON, you jerk. (Ever tried to keep your house clean for showings? GUESS NOT.)

10. Spa-like Bathrooms. While I like a bathroom as much as any chick, I have to agree with H, who said something along the lines of, “Why would I need a chandelier to go poo?” AMEN, SISTER. Amen.

Comments

[Laura]

Do NOT get me started on the Man Cave business. I don't have cable so I can't really get behind the House Hunters Hatred (well, yes I can, but I can't add anything to it). But the Man Cave is a concept shared by many and HATED BY ME. Rather than your conclusion that men have a cave and the rest of the home is the woman's domain, I have concluded that the rest of the house is SHARED domain (as you rightly point out) and then the man gets a BONUS CAVE. Which is usually a room with a tv and/or computer and/or gaming system. You may as well call it the "Ignore Your Wife and Kids and Relive Your Halcyon Bachelor Days" cave. All I want to know is, why don't women deserve OUR own caves? It just reinforces the notion that men never really grow up, and it's SO COMPLETELY UNFAIR.

[Carrie]

Ah, great list!

[slynnro]

That Man Cave shit enrages me. It also seems to assume that I, ya know, decorate. Which I don't. But when I do, it's not like I'm putting up pictures of kitties everywhere. And also, what Laura said.

[liz]

It seems like the house shoppers always say what their budget is and they always go over by a significant amount, like $50,000 or more. Why bother to set a budget?

I've heard that they tape the show after you have picked out your house and just pick two other random houses to look at, not houses that you actually looked at when you were shopping and they encourage you to criticize everything.

[Jess]

Oh, the tub, the tub. Do not even get me started on this one...I could talk all night about this point and you can ask my husband for verification if you must. In short, does it ever dawn on these people who stretch out in someone else's tub that there was a good chance these strangers, the homeowners, at one point were lying there NUDE? Naked. Completely. You are laying down where a stranger relaxed in their birthday suit. And if they didn't have the soaking tub,(say they were one of those poor uncivilized persons with a tub/shower combo), then they shower in that tub as well. So there is a good chance that there are unnoticeable hairs (Ew!), soap scum, shaving cream crap with bits of shaved off hair (oh, double Ew!), stranger germs, etc.
Yeah, clearly I have thought about this a lot. I seriously cringe each and every time a house hunter does this.

[Shauna]

Omg, I am cracking up. This:
"Also, I do love when the homeowners throw a party that is edited into the end of the show and the people attending are their parents and their realtor. Yes, excellent party. Good thing you got the granite!"
just killed me! Killed me!

[cass]

The closet joke is SO annoying. My husband has twice as many clothes as I do. Having said that I find this show addictive.

[Lisa]

Emily,
I don't usually get to read your blog but my 12+ y/o dd reads it faithfully. First, how on earth you have time to blog with two little ones fascinates me---I have the 12+ y/o and a 3 y/o and I can't find time to READ your blog on a regular basis! You are my hero.

ANYWAYS....I HAD to comment on the House Hunters thing (I managed to see it over dd's shoulder as she was reading it) and OMGOSH! Everything you said are the same exact things that bug me!

The closet jokes (and the closets themselves make me crazy---some of them are bigger than my bedroom and people still hedge, "Gee, I don't know....I was hoping for something bigger." WHAT???) are stupid. I get so tired of people insinuating that women are so air-headed that the only thing we think about are clothes and shoes and all we'll "allow" our poor, pathetic, ill-dressed men is a fraction of a 12x12 closet.

And the man cave---what gets me is this: who are women who are so controlling and abusive of their husbands that they insist on finding a house with a room specifically for their husbands? Do the domineering, bossy, ballsy women BAN their husband to their cave? Are the men so apelike that they and their friends aren't trustworthy enought to be in the rest of the house? Perhaps all man caves should be limited to the unfinished basement or the garage in case they spill something. It makes me sad for men when I hear the woman say, "THIS and ONLY THIS is where you and your neanderthal friends can play, you moron." And the poor man hangs his head in pathetic shame and says, "Yes, dear." I want to scream "Butch up, man! Demand that you and your friends be allowed in the great room next to the fire place!

And OMGOSH----some of the houses are HUGE. I mean HAAA-UGE and you get people saying, "Gosh, I just don't know if 4000 sq. ft. will be big enough for our family of four with only 4 bedrooms, a home-office, 3.5 baths, a great room, a formal dining room, a formal living room (and what's with all the "formal"? Who the heck are these people entertaining?!) blah, blah, blah. UGH! Unless you're the Duggars, I THINK IT'LL BE BIG ENOUGH!

And one day there was a 12 y/o boy on there with his parents looking at a 1.2 million (1.2 MILLION!) dollar home and he was gloating because he wouldn't have to share the bathroom with his 9 y/o sister! Have we really become so materialistic? Good grief, when I was 12 I was thrilled to have indoor plumbing---not having to share a bathroom never even occurred to me!

I could go on and on....but it's time for House Hunters.

[Swistle]

OMG so funny. AUDIBLE LAUGHING.

[Tess]

Oh dear. Well, this is the part where I admit that I am DATING(ish) a guy who bathes. Like, he takes a bath in the mornings instead of a shower. WHAT? WHO DOES THAT? I tell you, THIS kind of shit is the reason I need an anonymous blog.

[Karen]

Eh....my husband is the bather in the family here. My mom was terrifically possessive of the One Bathtub in the House (the other bathroom had just a shower stall) and after a while, I got tired of her screeching about how Somebody! Splashed! Water! On the Tiles! so I got used to taking a shower in the mornings. Or the evenings.

I don't like sitting in my own dirty water. There, I said. My husband, however, much prefers tubs and is currently slightly obsessed about putting a giant two-person tub in the house, on the slightly mistaken assumption that I would enjoy sitting in it with him. Aside from the fact that if I DO take a bath, it must be seriously hot, hot water and he prefers his baths lukewarm (which makes me shiver), I dislike sitting around in my birthday suit.

Out of love for him and our marriage, I'm trying not to show my mild aversion.

[AJU5's Mom]

My husband uses our bath tub a lot. I think he uses it more than me - which can be kind of scary! But he does shower every morning - the tub is just for relaxing (it is a jacuzzi).

Oh - and double sinks - although I LOVE them, if the countertop is big enough, you can always replace it (and maybe the cabinets) and get what you want fairly inexpensively! Plus, aren't at least half of the people on there childless? I bet there are other sinks in the house that can be used!

[slacmc]

I just went house hunting over the weekend with my husband and daughter. We committed the following sins:
1. Made fun of the decor of said houses.
2. My daughter played with the current owner's toys (I know! I wasn't paying enough attention, it was my fault, she never should have been permitted to see that room)
3. Looked at a huge house and decided that it didn't work because it didn't have a den. (We have rethought this and realized that we could actually put up this stuff called drywall to make a den out of part of the gigantic living room).

My point is that though in general we were very intelligent about how we looked at these houses the House Hunters editing team would have easily made us look like inconsiderate idiots (which admittedly we were at points but we were not the entire time we were looking).

I totally agree that this stuff is annoying but now I know to never go on this show because I most certainly will be someone that you all hate, though in real life you might actually be my friend. :)

[Ashley]

My husband and I LOVE to watch House Hunters and Property Virgins just so we can yell at the people. It's very relaxing. :) It drives him insane when people comment on the natural lighting. Like they would only buy the house because of the great light!

[Maureen]

The only purpose House Hunters serves is to distort people's reality so that when they go on their own house hunt, they'll be shocked that the houses they can afford don't have wainscotting, a wine fridge and custom cherry cabinets.
Or maybe that was just me...

[Janssen]

Holy crap, this is SO funny.

[Parsing Nonsense]

It's weird, the last time I went house-shopping I ended up saying a lot of these things because I felt this weird pressure to explicate my reactions to each house. I never entertain, but if I could imagine entertaining with a certain floorplan I'd say it. I don't watch this show, so maybe this is some kid of Jungian dwelling evaluation archetype.

[Jacqueline]

My husband loves baths too. I don't know that I've seen him take wine and candles in with him, but I know for sure that he loves a cold beer while he takes a bath.

[emmysuh]

One of your best entries ever, love it!

[Lisa]

"The only purpose House Hunters serves is to distort people's reality so that when they go on their own house hunt, they'll be shocked that the houses they can afford don't have wainscotting, a wine fridge and custom cherry cabinets.
Or maybe that was just me..."

Hahahahaha----funny and true!

[Natalee]

Hilarious!!

Though, I will admit that the hubs and I are guilty of getting into tubs, but only in new construction homes. I would never get into the tub of an occupied home...icky. Also, the hubs wants a jacuzzi tub, just for the relaxing factor, as he showers for cleanliness.

[TUWABVB]

You made me snort a lot with this post, but twice really hard: (1) "'I don't know where you'll put your stuff, sweetie!' Oooh! I know! MAYBE IN HIS MAN CAVE," and (2) "...and the people attending are their parents and their realtor. Yes, excellent party. Good thing you got the granite!" I mean, I agree with every statement in this list - you truly summed up the show, but then again, who's the moron - I still watch the damn thing all the time! :)

[Sarah]

I love it! That is the best list EVER! I don't think I could sell houeses because I would tell people all the time how stupid they are to say such things.

ALthough, I think my husband and I might have mentioned man cave when we were looking at houses... SHIT!

[Kristin]

Hahaha. Too funny. My colleague has a man cave in his house. Complete with a URINAL. Even better, he had the urinal wrapped and sent to his wife during her bridal shower.

[annie]

Just last night I told my husband, "I've decided that watching HGTV is bad for my soul." I SIMPLY CANNOT BE NICE while watching that channel. And yet I can't turn it off. Serious mental problems, I'm telling you.