Alex Trebek jokes never get old, do they?

In the last three months:

I have been enormously, hideously pregnant.

I have had preeclampsia, and the 30 or so pounds of water weight that came packaged with it. (ON TOP OF THE REGULAR PREGNANCY OVEREATING WEIGHT.)

I had a baby. Three weeks early. By c-section. I cried about the timing, because I am That Way.

I have decent health insurance, but still paid $1000 out of pocket for the birth.

I was medicated for extremely high blood pressure.

But only after being discharged from the hospital and having to return to the emergency room six hours later with heart palpitations and difficulty breathing.

I have had eleven separate doctor appointments to treat everything from the aforementioned high blood pressure to my c-section incision to my underactive thyroid to a raging sinus infection.

In her first two months of life, that baby I had has been to six appointments of her own, four of which were specifically because she wasn't gaining enough weight.

Our insurance company denied Lucy's claims and refused to cover her. (We fixed that one pretty quick after getting a $300 bill from the pediatrician's office.)

In her fourth week of life, she stopped sleeping. Obviously, SO DID WE.

After a month of that, we figured out the reason, and now that I'm not nursing, she's been placed on milk-free formula, which only costs about three arms and legs per very tiny can. Enter magnified guilt about the not-nursing-anymore thing, even though I know I said I wouldn't do that.

My husband got pinkeye.

He went to the doctor, which meant we paid somewhere in the neighborhood of FIFTEEN co-pays in less than 90 days.

My dog ripped his toenail out.

My two-year-old turned into a two-year-old and the sudden onset of tantrums and defiance made me kick things and scream things and hate myself for it.

The plumbing in our second bathroom went kaput.

And just this morning, we found out that our heat pump is utterly useless and will need to be completely replaced to the tune of $6100.

SIXTY-ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS. Let's see... I'll take “Selling Your Kidney on the Black Market” for $500, Alex.

I don't need to tell you that that's a big chunk of change, especially for a family with two kids, one of whom drinks liquid gold from a bottle, and only one full-time working adult. And we still have to call someone about the leaky roof. And let's not even talk about the dentist and how badly both of us need to go and how SCARED YOU-KNOW-WHATLESS we are about how much it could potentially cost, which is exactly why we're not going.

So! This is all just to tell you that I have about ten pounds to lose before I can fit into my clothes again (sadly, each of those pounds resides somewhere in my thighs/hips/rear) and at this rate, I will NEVER fit into my clothes again because I AM EATING MY FEELINGS, and coincidentally, my feelings are the same size and shape of sixteen handfuls of M&Ms. A DAY. Oh, how I wish I was a Stress Starver, the kind of person who loses their appetite altogether when faced with hardship. But I am not; I am the kind of person who feels they deserve another bowl of ice cream because their day was extra hard. The kind of person who medicates with cookies instead of a nap; the kind of person who loves to exercise but who could not possibly, NOT IN A MILLION YEARS, work off the extra calories she's consuming by simply doing a 20-minute video sporadically during the week. The good news is that it appears that I am not actually gaining weight, but I can't get myself in the appropriate weight loss mindframe.

I am hoping that when the weather gets a little warmer and it doesn't get dark at 6pm (daylight savings time is in just a couple of weeks) and the baby isn't quite so hold-me-all-the-time-or-I'll-scream needy, that I'll be able to get out and jog or take out the stroller with both kids for a walk. Exercising outside makes me happy, and that, in turn, inspires me to eat healthier and eat LESS. It doesn't take away the ridiculously expensive home repairs, but it does give me a healthier mindset and a better attitude. I know a better attitude is possible; unfortunately, I am currently stuck at HATE LIFE AND ALSO HOME OWNERSHIP, EQUITY BE DAMNED.

The other hard thing is just having the time to figure out exactly what it is I'm eating. When I did WW before, I had time and a free hand to put everything I was eating into the WW website until I got comfortable with making decisions on the fly. Lately I can hardly remember when the last time I SHOWERED was (please see: baby who still eats three times a night and cannot seem to figure out how sleep for longer than three hours, GAH) so I cannot be trusted to remember what I ate for breakfast and lunch and whether I should allow myself another ladle full of pasta for dinner. (I KNOW. I should just go with “no,” BUT I'M HUNGRY.) And chances are, when you don't have time to log what you're eating, you don't have time to fix something good for you to eat either, so I'm eating a lot of grab-and-run food like granola bars and sandwiches and toast and HANDFULS OF M&Ms. (They're so portable!)

I try not to give myself a hard time about it, but I would so very much like to fit into those clothes. I remember how good it felt to be fit and healthy and how proud I was of being there and how I could wake up in the morning and know there was a closet filled with clothes I liked wearing and felt comfortable in. Of the things I hate in life, waking up knowing that I own only two pairs of pants that button (and neither of them comfortably) is at the top of the list. And I have said before that I would also like to fit into those pants rather than go out and buy myself a bunch of new ones that I hope to not wear for very long, especially after today and the heat pump and the fact that I still have two kidneys, WHO WOULD LIKE TO PAY FOR ONE OF THESE KIDNEYS?

But I also know that I've got a 10-week-old baby who doesn't sleep well, and no idea how to even GROCERY SHOP with two kids, let alone launch a Major Battle against my weight, so I'm taking it slow. (I HATE TAKING IT SLOW.) I want to lose it by the beginning of May. I want to feel decent in a bathing suit during the summer. I want to wear a hot dress to a wedding in the fall. And I'm signing up and training to run in this for the third time, and I don't want to feel my butt jiggling up and down independent of the rest of my body, like it happens to do right now. I don't need my butt putting out someone's eye, that's for sure. I need all my cash money for a heat pump, not for legal fees for my reckless use of a gluteus maximus.

Comments

[She Likes Purple]

Oh man, I wish you lived closer. I'd invite you over immediately for a very large drink of something very adult. AND WE WOULD NOT CONSIDER THE CALORIES.

[Danell]

Geez louise, are you kidding me?? I'm flabbergasted that you are even THINKING about weight loss during this period of HIGHLY RESTRICTED SLEEP that you are dealing with! Me? I will not have any sort of brain space available for anything other than the sleep issue...and I am very, very scared of it! (3 weeks to go before the arrival of a girl in this house, and while I love reading your blog, it has been terrifying these past two months!) =)

[Joanna]

I was there when my baby was 10 weeks old, and I only had the one! Hypoallergenic formula? Check. Expectations set that I'd be back to my pre-baby weight by 2.5 months postpartum? Check. Frustrated beyond belief that it took another two months after that? Major Dismal Check. Honestly, I can only hope that I am doing as well as you when I have two. You're tackling these staggering challenges with honesty and even a sense of humor. That's pretty amazing.

[slynnro]

When I started the 30 day shred? My ass would flip flop during the running portions. It was horrifying.

But really, reading all of this makes me exhausted. You deserve a break. Also, if you are looking for a good not so bad for you snack, I am presently addicted to Lesser Evil Kettle Corn.

[Carla Hinkle]

Oh, honey. Please, PLEASE cut yourself some slack. The baby, she is 3 months old! And of the non-sleeping variety! I have had one each (of the sleeping and non-sleeping) and I must say ... until the sleeping mellows out, do NOT beat yourself up over ten extra pounds. Really. You're not sleeping! Eating your way out of it is totally understandable.

And look at the list you wrote yourself. You have major life changes, major financial strain, and 2 small children ... dieting is NOT likely to be a big part of your life right now. With good reason.

If you don't make your May deadline ... please be gentle with yourself.

[Jenn]

Oh my holy hell. $6100? I can't even imagine. I would be hiding in a corner, breathing into a paper bag and shoveling in M&Ms.

[Amanda]

I wish I could be there right now to just give you a big angry hug and reassure you OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN that it gets better.

IT. GETS. BETTER.

And I had a GENOA and I survived (pretty sure Genoa and Lucy are synonymous for LAST BABY YOU WILL EVER DECIDE TO HAVE GODHELPYOUIFYOUSURVIVETHISONE).

Ten pounds ain't shit. Don't worry about it!

Did I mention it gets better? SO much better. I promise. Just hang in there.

XOXOXO

P.S. FUCKING DAIRY.

[Megan]

That baby is only a few months old. You are still recovering. You know how when you get home from the hospital, you think (physically) you are feeling good. And then a few weeks later you feel better and you realize that before? You actually felt like Shite. And then a few weeks later you feel better and you realize that no, LAST time you felt like Shite. It is just that you feel BETTER.
You have been at the end of pregnancy and with the blood pressure/thyroid stuff and now you are not getting sleep...it has been a long time since you have felt 100%. Even though you feel good, once your body has more time to recover and you are getting some real sleep you are going to feel even better and realize that now, right now when you feel like you should be able to lose weight and exercise more, you were STILL RECOVERING.
Give yourself a break. 10 weeks is so soon...your body is still healing. It is great to eat healthy and get exercise if/because it makes you feel good, but don't worry about not being where you were before! You weren't there when Asher was 10 weeks old (I'm guessing) and then you only had the one kid to take care of.
Hang in there. Come Summer...hell come Easter you are going to look back at February and realize that your body (and brain) were still recovering.

[Sara]

Seriously a heat pump should not cost you that much. Get another estimate. Check with your electric company to see if they have discounts through certain dealers. And the entire unit may not need to be replaced, maybe only the outside portion.

And don't beat your self up for eating, its how your making up for the lack of sleep.

[Thia]

HUGS. Things are just rotten right now. Of course you're eating cookies instead of a nap. I am sure that every time you even think of sitting down, someone needs attention. (Don't ask me how I know). My one tip to you is baby backpack/sling. Baby gets held all the time, you still have two hands.

[victoria]

I'm not sure if you tried this or not, but did you try soy formula before you went to the liquid gold?? Lucy sounds alot like my middle child (notice I said middle, he got a lot better) and he changed into a different baby when I put him on soy formula. I wonder if the doctors down there push the hypoallergenic stuff. I have read of several people needing to use it down there (US), but I know that most stores up here (Canada) don't carry it - it is a special order. Sorry if you tried it and this is after the fact assvice ;)

[Robin]

I don't know much about babies, so I can't really help you there. But I did just read a book called Operating Instructions: A Journal Of My Son's First Year. She seemed to have the same problem, so SHE stopped eating wheat and dairy, and that fixed her son's colic, but she was still able to breast feed.

About the food, I know how frustrating it is to just grab something even though you know deep down you REALLY don't want it. Why not just stop buying M&Ms? I have a hard time with sweets myself, so I just make sure that I don't have them in the house. For a good grab and go snack, what about some kind of sweet tasting cereal? You could make it a high fiber one so that it fills you up, too! Trader Joe's High Fiber Os are slightly sweet, and delicious. They're also good if you mix with raisins and make a trail mix!

Also, going for walks with the two kids sounds like a fantastic idea. Do you have one of those great two kid strollers? What about those special jogging ones? That would definitely be helpful!

[Marin]

Oh my god, the heat pump. I think a commenter above said she'd be hiding in the corner shoveling M&M's in her mouth, and let me just second her on that one.

Look on the bright side: surely with all this crap going on, the rest of 2009 will be roses and sunshine and unicorns. Just keep thinking that. (Or not, because hey, you've got a ten-week-old and you have only ten pounds to lose to fit back into your clothes. Go you!)

[Katie]

I know you dont want t hear it but.. I was right! I knew she was acting just like my Andrew was acting BEFORE we switched to Hypoalergetic formula. But dont worry I dont LIKE the fact that I was right, Im just glad you realized I was right :) (lol totally j/k) Liquid gold is a VERY acurate discription of the cost of that formula too! All gloating aside..Im glad things are going better :)

[Jen]

For God's sake, EAT the M&Ms (and send me some because I need them too after just reading that post)--you DO DESERVE them.

Grocery shopping. I used to go after the 4am feeding, by myself, when I couldn't fall back to sleep right away and my husband was still home...nobody you know will be there, and those who are will be too tired or pissed off that they are at a grocery store before the crack of down to notice how you're looking. Or, go by yourself in the evening when you can leave the kids home with Dave. Or, with Asher in the cart and Lucy in a Bjorn as a last resort (because you will need someone to help you unload those last items in the bottom of the cart. Unless you are substantially taller than me, which wouldn't be hard).

I am so sorry about the heat pump. That would stress anybody. Maybe you have a big tax refund coming? Hang in there.

[Swistle]

OMG, our insurance is like that too. It costs us so much per year I can't believe it, and then it's $25 copays on top of that.

I don't even try to lose weight when I'm not getting enough sleep. I need the FUEL.

[christy]

Holy crap. I am impressed that with a ten week old you're already able to think ahead to October...and what a great goal you have. When I lived in the DC area I actually signed up for that race once, but failed miserably in my training...I did complete one 10K and that was a huge accomplishment for me. Also, I hope you've gotten a couple of opinions on your heat pump...we had a problem with our heater last winter and the first guy here told us definitively we had to replace the whole thing, but thank god we had a friend come look and we ended up only replacing parts and getting a friend of a friend to do the replacing for us.

Hang in there!

[nonsoccermom]

Wow, I don't even know what to say except THAT SUCKS. It really, really does. Hang in there. I know that is easier said than done, but eventually it will get better...hopefully sooner rather than later...

[Sarahd]

This post makes me wonder WHAT IS UP with 2009. Just since New Year's our family has been through: 1) a dog hit by a car and had to have surgery, 2) I threw my back out and had to go to a chiropractor SIX TIMES (HELLO, I am only 31), 3) one son sprained his ankle and spent three days on crutches and had a stye at the same time (he was a SIGHT!), 4) the other dog got Parvo and (sigh) died, 5) husband broke his tooth and needs a crown ($400 with insurance!), 6) then husband gets staph infection and requires surgery including three nights in the hospital, 7) I fell off my front porch carrying the hip surgery dog (Yes, I know it was sorta funny) and twisted MY ankle and scraped up the other leg so bad I was limping on BOTH OF THEM and then 8) other son spent yesterday throwing up. Oh, also, 9) washer died over the weekend and had to be replaced immediately because see number 8 (sigh again). THANK GOD we don't own our home! I am getting a little afraid to get out of bed in the morning! Just thought I would share miserablenesses (new word!). Hang in there! We used lacto-free formula for dairy sensitivity in our oldest son because there are generic (much cheaper, yay!) versions at Walmart and Sam's, just in case you are still looking for cheaper options. Could I have USED any more parentheses in this commment (I don't THINK so).

[Becky (StinkyLemsky)]

You only have ten pounds to lose after all of THAT happening?!?! Please, stop beating yourself up. Seriously - take a step back and breathe. You are doing a great job - you will get through this.

We're all here for you! ;)

[Karen]

Sleep deprivation leads to weight gain. Seriously. My husband and I both discovered this after our second was born, and he had the reflux and the I Won't Sleep issues until we got him on Pepcid. I swear I would wake up after a broken night of non-sleep and start mainlining carbs.

Worry about the weight loss after you catch up on sleep, which I know won't be for a while until Lucy settles into a routine.

And the breastfeeding guilt? I had it times 3, all three of my boys were tongue tied and though we got it fixed with the last two, they still didn't catch on. By the third I just decided, "This is how God made them. So be it." Bonus: Dad can help with nighttime feedings.

One thing we figured out was that my husband's deep sleep cycle is from midnight to 4. As in, if he gets woken during that time, he is certifiably psychotic. If I get woken between 4 and 8, I am the Witch of Endor. That's my deep sleep cycle. I can get up between 12 and 4 and be okay with it, but not 4 and 8. So we alternated. Maybe you and Dave can figure out which is the better time for one of you to get up with Lucy so the other can enjoy that REM sleep.

[cat, galloping]

1) Bottle = what's left of your sanity. Therapy would be more expensive than that liquid gold and you don't have time for that right now anyway. (Formula is a bit cheaper by the case at diapers.com, as I recall.)

2) The heat pump think totally sucks. I know how sickening those huge expenses are. You can feel them in the pit of your stomach.

3) I don't believe the 9 months up 9 months down thing HAS to be the truth, but 10 pounds to go only 10 weeks after delivery is pretty close. And I have faith you will get there. Give yourself a break.

[Karen]

Oh, and grocery shopping---go as a family on the weekends, seriously. Pick the best time for Lucy and Asher, go together, you each take one kid and a cart, split the list (into produce/perishables and shelf stable items is how we do it!), and go. Takes half the time. We have three kids and this is how we do it. I do the produce and frozen, since my husband admits that he hasn't a clue what savoy cabbage is, and he's better at finding the deals on the pantry items and reading ingredients lists.

Plus, it's an outing. The kids all get a bakery cookie or a candy bar if they're extra patient and good. And they learn that food does not magically appear in the cupboards, that it requires going out and foraging in the wilds of Kroger.

[Lola Fierce]

OMG, hang in there! Lucy is 10 weeks old. Remember how long it took you to get healthy after Asher was born? Eventually you got there, but it wasn't when he was 10 weeks old. You'll get there.... Having two kids is hard, especially having 1 toddler and 1 baby. ***HUGS***

[Kate]

I haven't commented before but I had to de-lurk because our heat pump is getting replaced on Thursday so I share your pain. I had a complete breakdown last week when I found out how much it was going to cost ($6000). I'm putting part of the blame on the pregnancy hormones (I'm 31 weeks) but just thinking about that kind of money is incredibly stressful. Don't listen to the commenter who said you could just replace the outside unit; unless something freakish happened and the outside unit that died is only a few years old that's a very bad idea and reputable companies won't even give that as an option anymore.

Mostly I wanted to post to make sure that you knew about the new tax credit for energy efficient heat pumps in the stimulus package. It's now 30% of the cost of the heat pump up to $1500 which made the $6000 up front a lot easier to handle. You do need to make sure you get a unit that qualifies which can be a little tricky but the person selling it to you should be able to help. Also, if you want to double check you can go to this website http://www.ceedirectory.org/ceedirectory/pages/hp/cee/defaultSearch.aspx
input the manufacturer, model numbers, and make sure to select "residential tier 2" under "CEE tiers" since those are the systems that qualify under the new rules. If the combo they gave you qualifies it will pop right up and if not I suggest working with them to find one that will or going with another vendor.

I know this is all confusing and overwhelming (my breakdown was after spending 4 hours trying to figure this stuff out on my own because the legislation had been signed the day before and the vendors didn't know about it yet) so please feel free to e-mail me for clarification.