Postpartum

Postpartum started off on the wrongest of feet with the whole medication debacle. I was not moved up to the recovery floor after delivery because my doctor was worried that my blood pressure situation wouldn't resolve itself appropriately and I would require magnesium sulfate, which, for some reason, she said would have been easier to administer to me in the labor and delivery unit. I am not sure why, and I did not ask. This is primarily because I was very busy writhing in pain in my Craftmatic adjustable bed, tears streaming down my face, lips pursed, and hands white-knuckling the bed rails while someone else pushed my pain button for me and we all tried to listen closely to see if we could hear the medication being released into my IV. And GUESS WHAT? THE MEDICATION WAS NOT BEING RELEASED INTO MY IV.

The nurse fiddled with the dispenser thingy for a while, even going so far as to take out the batteries in and out and then go off wandering the halls in search of new ones, and every ten minutes I faithfully pressed the stupid joystick button and hoped and prayed that some small drippy pain-relieving miracle was making it's way down the plastic tube to my veins. I'm guessing it took her five or ten minutes, tops, but when you're lacking pain medication and your entire abdomen has been hacked into not two hours prior, ten minutes feels like an ETERNITY. A big fricking PAINFUL eternity. I believe I caught an honest glimpse of hell during that hour or so I was Without Narcotics.

Eventually I convinced the nurse that I was actually GOING TO DIE if she didn't do something soon (I didn't have to say it, the look on my face communicated VOLUMES, and the volume I made sure she got to read was titled “I Will Take You DOWN, BITCH, If You Do Not Do Something VERY VERY SOON,” and pardon my French, but you do not mess around with women who just went through childbirth) and so she contacted the anesthesiologist and he immediately sent over something that had to be administered in my shoulder via injection. I believe I actually laughed when the nurse said, “OK, this will sting a little,” because OMG, SERIOUSLY? Do you know what REALLY STINGS? The giant, fresh incision in my bikini area! Five minutes later I was so happy from that drug, I would have let the darling anesthesiologist who prescribed it impregnate me immediately with another baby if he darn well pleased, even though I'd given birth like, what, an HOUR ago or something. (P.S. He would never have wanted to impregnate me, what with my giant swollen head and appendages. I'm just guessing, of course, but I bet I'm guessing RIGHT.)

(Giant. Swollen. EVERYTHING.)

I don't remember much about that night. I know I held Lucy, and I know I saw Asher and my parents and Dave's parents and POSSIBLY my sister-in-law, although I have no real recollection of what I said to any of them. We sent Lucy to the nursery for most of the night due to my Severe Pain Situation and the fact that I couldn't even eat ice chips without requesting the immediate placement of a bedpan under my chin to catch my copious vomit production. The next morning, after a dose of Zofran to stop the puking, I was moved up to the postpartum wing for recovery. And my first nurse? SURPRISE! Was the same nurse I'd had after delivering Asher, and she had made my experience MISERABLE the last time.

Last time, I had sky-high blood pressure after delivering Asher, and she didn't read my chart, so she yelled at me rather shrilly for not getting up and walking around more. “Do laps around the hallway!” she said. Then, when I got up and walked around and took a shower like she told me to, she came back into the room – presumably AFTER reading my chart – and yelled at me to GET BACK IN BED, that I could have a STROKE if I got up again. And then! Three days into my stay, she ordered a CATHETER for me and it wasn't until another nurse showed up to place it that she figured out she'd ordered it for the wrong room. I was moments away from getting an UNNECESSARY CATHETER, PEOPLE. (Hate.) The good news was that she was only my nurse for one shift, and during her shift I was pretty hopped up on painkillers, so I don't remember much. I do remember her helping me to the bathroom the first time, which GAH, if there is one person in this world I would rather not have helping me put a maxi pad into my mesh underpants and showing me how to use the peri bottle, IT WOULD BE HER. (Yes, you read that right. Showing me how to use the peri bottle. Something I really thought was self-explanatory, even if this hadn't been my second delivery.)

After that, I got a really awesome nurse, and the rest of the stay was pretty decent, EXCEPT for the part where I had to put on real clothes and go home. It seemed impossible, but I was even more swollen LEAVING the hospital than I was going in, so my clothes (the ones I'd worn into the hospital) were almost too tight to wear out. And I hear this is normal for a lot of people, especially since I was pumped full of bags of fluid during my stay, but do you guys know what horrified me more than anything else, even though it happened to me last time too?

My body held the water in the strangest places. In particular, this means that while I was swollen all over, my hips were the most swollen place on my body. More swollen than my FEET, even. And so swollen that it looked like the junction between my waist and my hips was a ninety-degree angle. Like, from my armpits to my waist was a nice straight line, and then suddenly, MY HIPS JUTTED OUT, in a freaky freaky unnatural way. I don't even know how to explain it except to draw you a picture:

Only after the swelling went away did I dare bring it up in conversation with Dave. I believe I said something like, “Wow, so... my hips, huh?” And he exhaled and all the words came tumbling out in a jumble of relief, “I WAS SO WORRIED THEY WOULDN'T GO AWAY.” Seriously, they were THAT HORRIFYING. Why the hips? Is that the last place left on my body that hadn't already been stretched to gigantic proportions? Was it the fact that I spent most of four days sitting in one place? Was it the epidural? I DON'T KNOW, only that going into this c-section, I worried about Return of the Enormous Hips, and then I had to see and deal with them again and it was just as horrifying as the last time, even though this time I knew they would go away. Last time? I thought I was going to have to LIVE with those hips. How could I have known they would disappear? I cried many bitter tears over those hips in 2006. (In 2008, I used them as an excuse to eat cookies. NATURALLY.)

And just as the Hips of Doom were the thing I dreaded most about delivery (I know, right? Not accidental death from anesthesia or anything, because I am WEIRD), the thing I love most about having a baby is the very first time you get to go to the bathroom on your own after it's out of your body. People who are pregnant for the first time, let me just tell you how amazing and wonderful and thrilling it is to pee for the first time after delivery. Mostly because the pee? It just keeps coming. And coming. And coming! And you wonder how in the world your body could ever hold this much pee because it seems like enough pee to overflow the entire TOILET and I can't say you'd be the only one who ever actually stopped peeing JUST TO CHECK AND MAKE SURE, but also? Oh, does it EVER FEEL GOOD. I can recall with clarity my first bathroom visit after both of my deliveries. It was just that fantastic. I kind of envy you pregnant people, just the TINIEST bit, for getting the Thrill of the After-Baby Bladder Evacuation. I might love that even more than I detest the appearance of the Robot Hips, and that? THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING.

GEEZ this is long already, so let me just say: The mesh panties of yesteryear are NO LONGER MESH, but more of a ruched gauzey-type material, and, well, just NO. Thank you, but no. It was not the same and the fact that they are labeled L/XL is just an insult to postpartum women everywhere. Makers of mesh panties? Label those suckers XS. That's the way to a woman's heart. I am so not above vanity sizing for mesh panties. Even when I am clearly sporting XL hips.

Comments

[AJU5's Mom]

So, I didn't get the pee experience - probably due to a long time with the catheter in. But I hear you with bad nurses! I got one really bad one and one mildly bad one. Luckily I don't remember what they look like...
I am glad things are getting back to normal!

[Michelle]

This happened to me, too! I brought my normal maternity underwear with me to the hospital, and they were too SMALL when I put them on to go home.

I actually sent my poor husband to the maternity store to buy a larger size of already huge maternity underwear.

[Maggie]

Can I just say I laughed so hard about the peeing bit. Just because it's so stinking true! And you put it so well.
I'm very glad your pospartum time is behind you.

[slynnro]

Wow. Just wow.

[Hope]

Your drawing had me literally laughing out loud. So much so that my BF said, "what the hell are you laughing about?" I told him that it was a picture of someone's "hips o' death" on the internet.

He now thinks that I'm totally insane. But it was so worth it.

[Maggie]

Um, the peeing thing was SO BAD I was TERRIFIED the second time. THE BURNING THE BURNING. (But apparently that was just me.)

I'm glad I already have kids because I soooooo would not be having any after reading this. You poor woman.

[Joanna]

Oh, the postpartum puffiness. That was the worst. I found out shortly after delivery that while my epidural had almost run dry, my IV had been overdosing me on fluids. I waddled out of the hospital looking like I'd spent a year eating, drinking and bathing in refined carbs.

[Lisa]

I was right there with you, agreeing with most comments and sympathizing with those that I didn't (simply because I hadn't experienced them) until the peeing portion. Having had 3 kids, with no drugs, 2 with an episiotomy and 1 which I tore...well that first trip (and many others afterwards) were my absolute LEAST favorite part of post partum and in fact one that I'd dread and think about over and over both before and after the experiences.

Damn - sorry for that run on sentence! LOL

[Sandi P.]

What? No new pictures...come on...she's nearly 4 weeks old. Pretty please???

[Karen]

Yes, I so remember the peeing ... I also remember the burning, and making sure I had 2 peri bottles FULL before attempting the visit to the bathroom. Which I not only used up, but also CALLED MY HUSBAND IN TO REFILL! 'Course, that was *not* a C-section and I had some pretty significant tearing, but you get the idea ...
On the other hand - the RELIEF! I had all but forgotten, but now that you bring it up, it makes me wish I was about to give birth again! Almost.

[little miss mel]

I so agree with the undies. THEY WERE MAGICAL back in 2005, but now, they gather at the leg.

WHY WHY WHY would they make them gather in the thigh region? Just lay flat, will ya?

[cee]

this post is hilarious- im sorry for laughing at your expense. I had my first baby in sept- emergency c-section. it was pretty much the worst day of my life. i can say that because i didnt get to meet my son until the next day- three hours later. oh c-section, how i detest thee (but glad my downstairs is perfectly intact).

[Elizabeth]

Seriously, what is it with the nurses of doom? Everyone is so worried about picking out the right doctor, but hi, I had that doctor for all of 10 minutes.
Luckily we've moved so there's a pretty slim chance I'll ever have the same nurse who yelled at me to go home and then yelled at me for coming back, even though I followed her explicit directions.
Also, let me just say that I feel kind of ripped out right now because after pushing out something the size of a small turkey from my hoo ha, let me just say that the first pee after that? Not too fun my friend, not too fun.
Glad to hear you have recovered from the hips of doom.
Not to be too nosy mc nosy pants, but how are you doing with the ta tas of doom? (ie nursing?) Just thought I'd offer up my support in there, if you needed it, cuz lord, I know how it can suck.

[Elizabeth]

sorry, that should say "ripped off".

[becky]

i'm thinking maybe it's not such a good idea to PAY $15,000 to be impregnated... at least that's what i'm going to tell myself since $15,000?! where in the heck does that kind of money come from?

[Parsing Nonsense]

Wow, that sounds...awful, really, and kind of makes me terrified to have a child. Also, I can't for the life of me figure out what a peri bottle is, though. Is it just one of those things I'm going to have to figure out when the day comes for me to be wandering around an L&D ward postpartum?

[Siri]

YIKES. Does not sound like a really fun experience. And the pee....I just about did that I was laughing so hard. But I do have to say this: I had my son vaginally and I literally almost cried when I peed the first time. It BURNED so bad I about died. When I had my daughter I had to have a c-section (breech) and I was terrified to go pee. I was SOO happy when my brain finally "kicked in" and remembered that "downstairs" did not tear etc..so peeing was actually enjoyable that time around!!

[Knot]

I had surgery on my nose and throat last year. The nurse I got kept bumping my nose. After the 3rd time I "fired" her. I just told her, "I want a different nurse." You can do that, but hopefully, if there is a next time, you won't have to put up with bad nurses.

Knot

[lisa]

Oh no! I should have saved the mesh panties of yesteryear! I do still have one of those gigantic hospital pads in the bathroom.

I tried to put on the jeans I had worn into the hospital to go home last time. I totally blame gigantor pad for making them too tight. I ended up wearing the cropped sweatpants I had been wearing to sleep. And the t-shirt too, because when I saw myself in the shirt I had planned on wearing (which I had worn at 6 months pregnant) I cried. This time I may just ask my grandma if she has a spare muu-muu and be done with it.

[Frema]

Oh, I LOATHED my first post-partum pee. After having a catheter in place for almost 24 hours, it was so hard to push anything out. It took three separate tries, and I cried each time because it was so damn frustrating. I'm already nervous about it for Baby Brother!

I just gotta say that the peeing thing is SO TRUE!

[Ashley]

All that and you didn't even get the mesh undies? I had my second baby in October (which I guess was technically yesteryear!) and they still had them at my hospital. I stocked up on them!

[Hilary]

The more posts I read about birth/post-partum, the more afraid I become! I am going to have to go back and ready Lucy's birth story again, it scared me less! Hope you are doing much better now!

[chiquita]

I cannot believe she had you doing laps the day after a C-section. I could hardly get to the bathroom from the bed.

my worst nurse story: the one who woke me up at 2 am after I had, with much guilt, sent my newborn child to the nursery so I could get some rest. Her question? "We need the address of your pediatrician." This could not wait a couple of hours???!!

[nonsoccermom]

WOW. I didn't have to have a c-section with either of my kids and the aftermath sounds very scary!! I'm sure you are VERY glad that is over with.