One month

I feel like there's so much to write about and no time to write it all down, at least, no time to write it all down so that it sounds witty and clever like I want it to sound. (HOW VAIN IS THAT?)

Having a newborn is not what I remembered it being. I don't know if I'm just not remembering it right or what, but Lucy seems to be a more difficult baby than Asher was. Except I do remember Asher crying, and Lucy NEVER cries, but this could be because Lucy has absolutely zero reason to cry, since we're still practically force feeding her and I'm pretty sure she's never felt hungry in her entire four-and-a-half-week life. She doesn't fall asleep easily, even when she's tired. She doesn't sleep in the car, she doesn't even fall asleep easily in my arms most of the time. She wakes up as soon as you put her down and although she doesn't cry about it right away, she makes this horrible helicopter noise that forces you to pick her up before your ears start bleeding. You don't want to have to listen to the helicopter for very long, I assure you. She is starting to develop an evening fussy routine, which is okay by me because the time frame for her fussiness is 10 to midnight, and fortunately, 10 to midnight encompasses the 11pm feeding, when Dave is on baby duty and I am falling asleep upstairs to the low hum of HGTV on the television (it tends to drown out the fussing). The last two nights she has slept beautifully from midnight to 3 or 4 am, and by that I mean QUIETLY, but after I feed her in the middle of the night, she closes her eyes and fusses in her sleep until it's time to eat again. It appears that something I cannot do is sleep next to a friggin HELICOPTER.

So we are tired lately. I do okay on little sleep during the day. Oh sure, I'm way less patient and way more frustrated and I can get a little mean, but I can still function. What I can't tolerate is the way Dave walks around saying, “I'm so TIRED.” Because DUDE! I KNOW! I'm tired too! Also! I KNOW YOU'RE TIRED, because there I was, sharing a bed with you all night long! But talking about it and complaining about it just makes me angry; it's like we're trying to Out-Tired each other all day long. Something I don't want to waste my energy on is getting angry about the fact that I know I'm more tired than my husband is. Which truthfully, is not even something I know. Maybe he IS more tired than me! (BUT I'M THE MOM, and I do middle-of-the-night feedings, so he doesn't have any right to be more tired than me, even if he actually is.) (OMG, delirious much?)

Lucy poops once a day, and it is an Event each and every time. As soon as she starts the process, I haul her upstairs to her crib where I undress her and let her have at it. It takes about 15 minutes for her to finish, and I stand by, sliding clean diapers under her butt. Yesterday she pooped through FOUR DIAPERS. And when I say “pooped through,” I mean that four diapers were absolutely SATURATED with her output. It is pretty gross to watch, but also a relief, too, because she's always a little more cheerful after we've thrown sixteen pounds of her excrement into the diaper pail.

It's also proof that she's eating well and growing, although so is the double chin she seems to be sporting, and the fact that her preemie clothes keep getting tighter and tighter. Oh, who am I kidding, they definitely still FIT, but they're not swimming on her anymore. They fit perfectly, for the most part. Except for her freakishly long arms, that is, which have never fit into ANYTHING AT ALL, which mean even from birth, all her sleeves have looked like ¾ sleeves. We can't find anything that reaches all the way to her wrists. I BIRTHED AN ORANGUTAN, is what I'm saying. (Less hairy, though.) Today she's wearing a little yellow owl outfit that Asher wore when he was a baby, and it fits her almost perfectly. She's worn it only once before, when she was about a week old, and the reason I remember is because it was the first time we'd seen her wake up enough to fuss about something. We tried a lot of things: feeding her, rocking her, swaddling her, but nothing seemed to work. It was when the reality hit that OMG THIS IS A BABY, and all the dreamy, soft-focus effects melted away and we realized that this was going to be It for a while, dealing constantly with a fussy, screamy baby, and finally I took her upstairs to change her diaper and found that her bellybutton scab had gotten irritated and BLED THROUGH HER SHIRT AND FLEECE PANTS. And it clearly HURT, because once we got her cleaned up and into a new (blood-free) outfit with some Vaseline and gauze protecting the sore spot, SHE WAS GOLDEN. And Dave and I both felt like total rookies again, even though I realize Checking Fussy Baby for Open Wounds isn't something you really have to contend with on a regular basis. Or even at all since the first time, actually.

I am happy the first month is over. While there is no more magical moment than the birth of your own child, the weeks that follow – at least for me – are filled with more frustration and anxiety than awe and wonder. It has been much, MUCH better for me this time (I always say “I think I had some PPD” when I talk about my postpartum experience with Asher, but the truth is that I KNOW I had PPD, and not just SOME, I had A LOT) but it is still kind of boring dealing with a newborn all day. I find that I am way more relaxed about her eating and sleeping; would you believe I haven't even tried tracking when and how long she sleeps, looking for an emerging schedule? I DIDN'T THINK I WAS CAPABLE OF THAT. But I am being laid-back about it, which feels like the right thing to do this time around. No use getting caught up in the “WHEN WILL SHE SLEEP?” thing, because I can't do anything about it anyway. And I think that has contributed to my general health and well-being, and has also made the past month fly by. I am longing for the time a few months from now when Lucy will be more interactive and engaging, but I am somehow also able to take it one day at a time. One nap at a time, one feeding at a time, one overnight helicoptering suckfest at a time. And I'm pretty proud of myself for that.

And I just know, that despite not loving this newborn thing, that I will totally make up for it by being an awesome mom when she's just a little bit older. I promise you that, Lucy.

Comments

I know what you mean about the newborn part, I enjoy and Love spending time with my son now that he is interacting,laughing, crawling and not being a "blob" any more...Im not a newborn person either! But oh does it get WONDERFUL after that!!!

[may]

About the pooping... when you have that much time, hold her over the toilet. No, I'm not kidding, it does work. It's a little tricky with the floppy neck and all but it's way more fun than cleaning up those diapers!

[skiplovey]

Yeah I think I feel that way about the newborn phase too, more fun to reflect upon than be in at the moment. I'm hoping that if/when we have a second I'll be more relaxed about all that stuff too. If I could go through it with half the anxiety and worry then the exhausted part wouldn't be as bad (notice I didn't say "bad", just "as bad").

[Marin]

I always tease my mom when we see parents with a small baby, asking her if she misses that phase. Hell no, she says. "You guys got way more fun when you were not so small." So hang in there. You're doing a great job.

[Jennie]

I'm actually kind of relieved to read this, in a way. That sounds odd, I know, but I read so many magical newborn accounts about the sun shining all day and life being perfect and rosy and babies finding a schedule hours after birth and I just feel like if that's not me, WHO WILL I TALK TO ABOUT IT? Or if that's not me, what will I be doing wrong? This feels a lot more normal and realistic and I'm glad to have read it. I think I exhaled after reading it, actually.

[Jennie]

I'm actually kind of relieved to read this, in a way. That sounds odd, I know, but I read so many magical newborn accounts about the sun shining all day and life being perfect and rosy and babies finding a schedule hours after birth and I just feel like if that's not me, WHO WILL I TALK TO ABOUT IT? Or if that's not me, what will I be doing wrong? This feels a lot more normal and realistic and I'm glad to have read it. I think I exhaled after reading it, actually.

[Sleepynita]

Replace the name Lucy with Audrey and we have the same kid, give or take 2 weeks.

I was also THRILLED when month one was over. And it is harder the second time around because although we are no longer parenting rookies, we do have OTHER SPAWN to chase about. GAH!

Also? HOW THE HELL is something that is under 10 pounds so DAMN NOISY at night? My kid is quiet until about 4am and then the noisy baby takes over. I can only handle so much grunting noise over the baby monitor.

[Jessica]

OMG I haven't ever commented but I have to comment on this one! My daughter (also my second) was AWFUL for the strange noises from 3am-6am every night for the first 6 weeks or so. Except in our case I described it as an old man grunting and groaning. Not really fussing or crying, just making noises. and if you looked in on her, eyes closed, not really upset looking, just ANNOYING to listen to! The good news is it eventually stopped, but I had to move her from beside the bed and turn the monitor down lower to hear it, something I would never have done with my first! She is now 9 months though...and still up 3-4 am wide awake every night. Pleasant times.

And on the pooping...exactly the same here, except she did it 3-4 times a day! who knew such a small thing could create so much poop!

Good luck, it does get better. I don't think i seriously started enjoying either of my kids until 6 months along. I also had ppd the first time around, and it is much better this time, but still not so enjoyable until they can sit on their own.

[LauraLou]

My son did the grunting/groaning/really loud noises when sleeping too, especially in the morning. We finally ID'd it--Reflux. You might ask your dr. about it at the next appointment. Reflux could also explain some of the difficulty falling asleep and waking up when you put her down. A little bit of baby zantac made a huge difference for my little guy.

Oh, and Lucy is just ADORABLE!

[steph]

I'm sure you're an awesome mom right now. Just a tired awesome mom...

[Parsing Nonsense]

I can't even begin to imagine what a helicoptering newborn sounds like, but the sound in my head is infinitely entertaining. I appreciate your candor about what life with a newborn can be like. I just KNOW I'm going to be combing your archives when I'm preggers someday!

[Michelle]

The second baby is harder, according to myself and all my friends with two kids. I thought it would be easier, but my second kicked my butt. Big time.

(and the helicopter noise is definitely more annoying than a full-blown scream!)

[Michele]

Ugh, I have ape arms too. Have fun winter coat shopping (if you're in an area that you need to)! ;)

[Shannon]

I'm proud of you too! We don't know each other, I just read your blog. My baby is 21 months, so thinking about the newborn phase is nostalgic and scary at the same time.
I love your blog. Smooches from South Carolina!

[Megan]

I can't decide if I am happy that you are a few weeks behind me (so that I read and go "yeah, that, oh! and THAT" or if I wish you were a few weeks ahead of me so that I could read about what is coming. In any case, hang in there because we just hit 8 weeks over here and just when you think you are done with this happy crappy (pun!) they start to sleep just a bit more, and are just a bit sturdier and theen they SMILE and it's awesome.

[Courtney]

Wow, it's been a month. Insane! I'm glad that you're able to relax more this time around. Being stressed out and mainly responsible for a tiny baby is exhausting! As if being mainly responsible for a tiny baby isn't exhausting enough all on its own.

[mandy]

Newborns are so hard. My youngest is almost 2 and I don't think I could handle doing it again. You aren't alone, believe me! It is such work and so exhausting and they won't even remember all your effort! My son was the fussiest baby ever, I was so tired and frustrated allll the time. Things got so much better when he got a bit older. I know how you feel chica.

[lisa]

I'm sitting here with my beautiful babbling, chatting, happy-go-lucky 9-month-old. I'm desperately hoping that the knowledge of who they eventually become will be somewhat helpful during the newborn phase with this coming baby, but I fear I'll be back to dreading nighttime feedings and feeling like I'll never see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I was reading ur blog having flashbacks of my daughter(who is now 2). She never slept well through the night and still wakes up sometimes a couple times a night. She was my first but mirrors a lot of peoples "2nd" behavior wise. Does the doctor think its odd she only poops once a day? neways... ur doing a great job and it does get easier which I'm sure you already know. Hang in there, time will fly and she'll be crawling around before you know it! I'm going to send u an invite to ur email address for my blogs if ur interested (bc we all know u have SSOOOO much time on ur hands lol)

[Amanda]

What is it about the men and the complaining about the sleep? I seriously want to kill him when he even has the balls to tell me he's tired. Tired? Really? You got 8 hours of sleep last night. I know because you snored through two one hour long feedings. GEEZ.

I'm the same way about the newborn stage. Not fun. Hang in there... you're not far away from much better days. I promise. One day at a time. One nap at a time. One feeding at a time. ;)

[GirlHouse]

My Brady was born 1 day after Lucy. I'm so happy to read your blog and know that there is someone out there feeling like I feel. He makes crazy grunty, moany, gurgly sounds while he's sleeping that also keep me up. And is so mentally exhausting to listen to during "naps". Thankfully my ped agreed to have him checked for reflux next week.
And WTF is up with the husbands and complaining about being tired. I seriously want to punch him every time I hear him say how tired he is!

[Shannon]

I know what you mean. With my firstborn, the first month (actually the first three months) of her life were pretty much constant anxiety and misery. I hate to say it like that, but she never slept, nursed constantly but inefficiently, and required 3 trips to the ER in her first 16 days of life. It was just really, really hard to get through. I can sympathize with how you feel!

[Melanie]

Is there any way you can record the HELICOPTER noise? I really must hear it. :)

[halloweenlover]

Ugh, I thought it was just me. I am finding Josie to be much more demanding this time around than Gabe ever was. Maybe they somehow sense that our 120% attention isn't on them?

I almost punched Josh in the hospital when he kept talking about how EXHAUSTED he was and how he needed to get some sleep and then he proceeded to sleep through the night while I cried in bed because she wouldn't go to sleep. Grrrr.

[Frema]

I think you sound like a pretty awesome mom right now!

I remember the evening fussy phase from Kara--from about three to six or seven weeks, she just wanted to cry around dinnertime. It made me feel terrible.

Also, mad props for not documenting her entire schedule on paper. I did that with Kara for feeding, and I honestly don't think it helped us. This time around, as long as Baby Brother is healthy, I don't plan on writing down anything. Hopefully that will help me stay more relaxed and not so glued to the clock.